Every Thursday, I will review three horror movies that I recently watched. I love horror movies, bad or good ones. The majority of them, happen to be very bad though. Even the so-called classics, like Friday the 13th, are, well, poorly made. Jason Voorhees is a horror icon, but the movies he stars in, with only a couple exceptions, are awful. Same goes for Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and all the other “classic” horror franchises. Most horror movies fall somewhere in between lame, and cheesy. But occasionally, these movies can be masterpieces. I will cover the really good ones in a series of posts that will come out on Mondays called “My Favorite Movies.” On these Horror Movie Marathon posts, I will mostly only be writing about movies I have only recently watched. The horror movies I will be talking about this week are The Final Girls, Wicked Little Things, and House of the Dead 2. These reviews will be going into spoiler territory, though to be fair, there isn’t very much to spoil with most of these movies.

The Final Girls (2015)


The Final Girls is the type of horror movie that seems to most often work in the modern era. Which is to say it is a satire of horror movies. It approaches the genre the same way movies like Tucker and Dale vs Evil or Cabin in the Woods do. In The Final Girls, a group of friends attending a screening of a horror movie called Camp Bloodbath, which is obviously a homage to Friday the 13th, end up being transported into the movie. It hits all of the typical tropes of a horror movie, but it works fine because it is done with a wink and a smile.

When the one female character is obnoxiously stupid and all too willing to remove her clothes, it is only because it is part of the joke. Her character exists in so many Slasher films, except in most of those it is done unironically. They have all the other tropes as well. The random hitchhiker who serves no point to the plot except to add to the plot. The giant douchebag male character who cant help but womanize everyone. What keeps it grounded, is the fact the real characters, meaning those who were transported into the movie, are all realistic. They get as frustrated with these movie characters, as we all do when we watch these cheesy slasher films. The only trope missing is the creepy townie warning the group.

Nothing in the movie is really scary. It leans too heavily on the comedy, running any chance it has at a spooky atmosphere. But I do not think the movie really tried to be scary, so it is okay. The movie knows what it is. It has some star power, with celebrities like Thomas Middleditch and Adam Devine, but it never relies on them. There is some quality camera work as well. It doesn’t depend on nudity or graphic violence like many Slasher movies do.

Overall, it isn’t quite as good as other horror movie satires, like the aforementioned Tucker and Dale or Cabin in the Woods, but it is a fun movie. If you enjoyed the Friday the 13th films, you will most likely love the way this movie satirizes them. I would definitely recommend it.

7/10

Wicked Little Things (2006)

Whereas The Final Girls used it’s horror tropes to satirize, this movie is basically one big trope. If you put 100 zombie and slasher films into a database, Wicked Little Things is what a computer would spit out.

The plot is that an old mining town is haunted by the ghosts/zombies of a group of kids who were buried in the mine due to the negligence of the owner. So every night they live the mine and hunt for revenge. The main characters are a family of three. The mother, an older slightly rebellious daughter, and the youngest daughter, who happens to be played by a young Chole Grace Moretz.

Tell me if you have heard this before. A family moves into an isolated woods area. The older daughter is rebellious, and the younger daughter can see and communicate with ghosts for whatever reason. There is no cell service, and no help for miles and miles. The townsfolk are creepy and give vague warnings to the main characters.

It is a story that has done millions of times before, except better. To be fair, the children zombies are creepy, but making killer kids creepy is easy. None of them have any complexity. It is impossible to tell any of them apart. We only learn the name of one of them, Mary, and we do not even see her into the very end. The acting ranges from standard to wooden. The movie is just stale. There is almost nothing of interest in the movie. It may not be bad, but it is something worse, boring. I would rather watch a laughably bad movie like Lephrechaun, than a snore fest like Wicked Little Things.

4/10


House of the Dead 2 (2006)


Speaking of laughably bad movies. House of the Dead 2 is the sequel to one of the worst horror movies ever made. Is the sequel better? Well yes, it would be impossible for it not to be. The first was made by Uwe Boll. Boll is not only the worst director in the industry but the biggest asshole. He is the type of guy who challenges his critics to fight him. The sequel was put into different hands. Maybe not capable hands, but better hands.

The movie revolves around a group of soldiers, and scientists, who enter a college town overrun by zombies, or Hyper-sapiens as the movie calls them, to find the original source of the infection. Because if they find the original source, they can cure it, I guess. The only problem, this has to be the most poorly trained group of soldiers ever. One dies because he insists on fighting the zombies with his hands. Big surprise when he gets bitten. Many of them insist on getting as close as they can to the zombies before shooting. There is a fat soldier, who is a bumbling coward and exists for no reason other than for the movie to make fat jokes. The villain character is way over the top and cliche. Get this, he wants to steal the antidote, and sell it to make a million dollars. They remind you he is douchebag every time he is on screen by having him sexually harass the female soldiers, and bully some of the male soldiers.

At one point, they finally find the original source, take a blood sample, but then lose the sample while trying to escape. So then they go back, fight through the zombies again, get another sample, and the movie ends after they lose the sample again. One of the soldiers is so stupid, that he breaks rank after hearing a sound. He goes off on his own, follows a woman, and is surprised when she turns out to be a zombie. He gets bitten of course.

There are points where they are surrounded by zombies, but none of the zombies try to bite them because zombies only character who are not important. In similar fashion, the zombies will lumber towards main characters, but sprint when chasing characters who do not matter. To be fair, this is similar to what they do on the Walking Dead, and people love that show.

The movie is bad, very bad. But, bad in a funny way. You can watch it with friends and make fun of it.

2/10